Broken

Photo by Harlie Raethel on Unsplash

At the hospital

This is not my X ray. It is however very similar to mine. In my last post I wrote about the enforced rest and recuperation due to a broken clavicle. It seems rest is good for the body and mind.

On Tuesday this week I was in a hospital bed being prepped for an operation in the brand new Midland Metropolitan Hospital. I had been nil by mouth since 3 am, when I had a sip of water. My last meal had been at 6 pm. It was approaching 11 am and I was quite hungry. My gown and stockings were on the bed, my blood pressure, temperature and pulse had been taken (all good) and the nurse was just about to take a sample for the MRSA test.

Then the consultant, who would be doing the operation, came in. He had a Montblanc pen clipped to his shirt. I cannot remember his name. I do remember the pen.

Spelling it out

I had been warned of the risks of having a major operation. The metal plate may aggravate as the skin is so thin in the collar bone area, risks of infection, scarring. When I signed the consent form, all I wanted to know was, would I be able to lift and carry a backpack again?

I had not been able to shower, dress, wash my hair or tie it up unaided. I had mentally prepared myself for the anesthetic, indeed I thought a good sleep might do me good.

I wanted this operation.

What this consultant did though was spell out the risks in such a way that I was persuaded to go home, carry on with the ‘conservative management’ and see how I healed. The consultant put the fear of actual death into me,

I was scared. I was hangry. I left my Room of One’s Own.

Home in time for lunch

I went home. With a promise of a follow up appointment, and that I could change my mind and have the operation if things don’t improve. I had cheesy beans on mushrooms, almost certainly better than any hospital food, settled under the heated blanket on the sofa, and watched Christmas movies that are cheesier than my cheesy beans. And indulged in feeling sorry for myself.

I am not ambidextrous

I am getting there though.

It was my right clavicle that snapped. I am right handed. The pain is a 10 most days. I can only sleep sitting upright. I have to eat with my left hand. When we went out for Sunday lunch my son had to cut up my dinner for me. I have discovered that my husband has no clue how to put my hair into a ponytail.

There is progress though. I can now shower, wash my hair, dry myself, and dress myself unaided. We adapt and learn. It was humiliating having to ask my husband to help me with these simple tasks.

He still needs to fasten and unfasten the safety belt when I go in the car. I can help with the cooking, but not put things in the oven. I am off the hook for most domestic tasks. There is always a silver lining.

Counting Coats and baking cookies

I am not naturally one to slump on the sofa watching daytime TV. I make an exception for Christmas movies in November when I have a broken clavicle. And Murder She Wrote when I am ill. Definitely not any news. I have read a book or two. The Life Impossible by Matt Haig and Wintering by Katherine May. Now working my way through Radical Rest by Evie Muir.

My score for Blossom improves daily. Wordle score has not.

The devil will slip into your psyche when you are lying on a sofa for most of the day. My resentment for my ex tenant and now next door neighbour grows daily. The list of missing, lost and broken items continues to grow. And he and the invisible dog mock me daily. They now live next door, so they are literally mocking me daily. I know it isn’t good to keep these thoughts in my head. As I write this, the sense of betrayal is gnawing at me.

Keeping tally of the number and colours of the amazing coats the female lead in Christmas movies has managed to pack for a weekend break keeps the devil at bay. As does second guessing if she will get back with her childhood sweetheart over baking cookies or choosing the tree.

The 4am club

At 4am the Devil taps me on the shoulder. The right one, where they can inflict the most discomfort. I wake. I recline on 5 pillows to prop me up in bed, and with the electric blanket on, I listen to podcasts to soothe my soul.

Dr Chatterjee may well be saving me from the devils work, along with Light Watkins, Mel Robbins and Peter Crone. Add an episode of Accidental Gods and the world, while not put to rights, has more hope in it.

Eating well

I believe that good, home cooked food is the only prescription most people need. In addition to reading life affirming books, listening to motivational podcasts, I got some cookbooks from the library, meals are planned each week. We shop daily to ensure we get a one walk a day.

I have had my blood pressure, temperature and pulse measured more times in the past three weeks than I have had possibly in the past 30 years. They are all surprised that at 65 I am not on medications. My blood pressure is normal. As I never go to the doctor, no one has that opportunity to prescribe meds. So far this strategy is working.

I have lost weight despite the enforced rest, biscuits, wine and chips on feeling sorry for myself days. When I am feeling less sorry for myself I eat a lot of veggies, protein and pulses. Full fat yogurt, seeds, fruit and oats for breakfast weekdays, buttery croissants in bed on the weekend. I don’t count calories, points or syns. I do focus on gut health, add extra virgin olive oil to all food, and drink turmeric tea. As I am working on improving my sleep, I don’t have caffeine. I eat in a 12 hour window between 7am and 7pm. Weight loss is not my aim. Health is.

Gratitude

In April this year I started journaling. Each day I am prompted to express gratitude for three things.

Before my morning cup of turmeric tea, I meditate listening to First This. This week the guided meditations is Three Good Things.

The journaling has slipped somewhat, not being able to write much. The gratitude practice has not.

Today I am grateful for a heated blanket on the sofa. The heat from the log burner. And for my amazing family who have been taking care of me.

What are you grateful for today?